What does one call a female Skunk?

Despite every intention being for the best, despite everything a person can say about personal rights and principles, despite all that has been said in advance, sometimes one finds oneself in a situation where one has to negotiate around the bear-pit of personal objective to find oneself in a place of relative peace.
If, in this place of peace and happiness, there might also be a BIG FREAKIN’ GUN with which to turn around and SHOOT THE DAMN BEAR, more so the better.

The person: Me. (starring me, but the movie will probably have Michael Pitt) The bear-pit: the Amsterdam local bus (starring the bus, but the bus driver should be played by a loveable and recognizable actress, I’m thinking Betty White, perhaps Angela Lansbury)
The Bear: Don’t know her name, but I’m talking about the woman who needed to sort out her change for the bus this morning and started doing this while standing in front of the innocent driveress of the bus, and ignoring the pleas and bleats for help from the people behind her. (Starring THAT WOMAN, but for the movie I’m thinking an actor or actress who is able to place that kind of…unworldlyness…of..strange inconsideration into the role. Probably the make up Charlize Theron wore in “monster”, only without Charlize, and with the charm of Chucky and the general availability of Michael Myers.)

Now, don’t get me wrong. I think that every man, woman and child has been given free will to be able to make their own choices in life, to be able to take responsibility for their own actions, and that it is not given to others, given to us, in fact, to judge the decisions other people make during the course of any given day. Therefore, as long as it harms me not, I believe with every fiber of my being that every person around me should be allowed to do as they think best in any situation, without influence or judgment from those around them.
The thing is, however, that people like that aren’t really people. And therefore may very well be either judged or influenced.
But mostly judged.
And…sentenced.

Look, in Holland, public transport is a very simple thing. When you don’t have a subscription for public transport there is a “strippenkaart”, a piece of paper with 15 or 45 “strippen”, which are ticked off with use, usually by either the driver/conductor of the ride or in a small machine somewhere on the chosen mode of transport, or on the platform before boarding said transport. So far, so easy. One “strip” is paid as a base cost, and additional “strippen” are paid for the actual journey, calculated by the amount of distance covered, which is measured in zones. For every zone, there is a “strip”. Example, to get from my house to Amsterdam I travel through 5 zones. Therefore, 5 “strippen” + the base cost = 6 “strippen”. The bus driver stamps the sixth “strip” on my “kaart” and I can happily sit or stand anywhere on the bus where my fancy takes me, as long as there is space available for me at this chosen location. Out comes the book, and I mosey along life’s’ highway quite literally unconcerned with the world around me, barring the place where I have to get off, which I signal to the driver by pressing any of the myriad little buttons marked “stop”, after which the driver stops at the next bus stop on the line.
Easy, right?

Ok.. now comes the part where this all gets a bit more difficult… Hang on to your seats…
When you don’t have a subscription, and you don’t have a valid “strippenkaart”, you can buy “strippen” from the bus driver. Because this causes the slight inconvenience of change and explanation beyond just calling out your destination, “strippen” purchased in this manner are a bit expensive. They cost € 0.80 each. Smart readers, and I take it all my readers are smart (aren’t you, readers o’mine, all five of you?) will have deduced from this that the shortest possible bus trip, taking you within a one zone area, and therefore using 2 “strippen” will cost you € 1.60 (the one “strip” for traveling in a zone, plus base cost = 1+1=2 times 0.80 = 1.60)
Journeys that take you further, thereby traveling through or in additional zones will cost an additional € 0.80 per traveled zone.
Advancement of the previous example; when I have forgotten my “strippenkaart” or my subscription has run out and for some strange reason I still need or want to get to work, I have to pay for 6 “strippen” in the bus, which would ring me up for a WHOPPIN’ € 4.80.

Now, no-one can say I am a truly considerate person, not that I am a colossal asshole, but I’m absolutely no Mother Theresa (I look like shite in a white scarf (the name of my mostly still to live autobiography)) but even I know that when I have to pay in the bus, I have to pay in the bus. I usually try to calculate about how much I have to pay, and either have the amount ready in exact change, or give the driver an amount for which change can be supplied in as little time or coinage as possible. This has little to do with consideration, I would like my bus to leave on time and despise change, so naturally getting back as little as possible of it in as little time as conceivable is a good thing, in my world.
Now, on a route that is reasonably often traveled this is easy. One KNOWS how many “strippen” things are gonna take, and can decipher quite easily how much this is gonna cost. But even on a road less traveled this should not be really hard… After all, any amount of “strippen” over any distance, WILL be either € 1.60 or an multiple of € 0.80 above that amount. 1.60-2.40-3.20-4.00-4.80-and so on till the end of the country.
Now, coinage in the Netherlands and most of Europe consists of pieces worth, among others. € 0.10/0.20/0.50/1.00 and 2.00, bills start from € 5.00 upwards.
Granted, the amount 1.60 and possibly 3.20 are a bit hard to change, but most others can be calculated thusly that one would get no more than one or two coins in change. Ideal for people like me.

Regretfully, there are not only people like me….

There are, for instance, people who need to look for their “strippenkaart” while they are already on the bus, usually not a big problem, the driver will allow them to look for it while he drives to the next stop, nine times out of ten. At worst this means they ride for free for a stop, which is no skin of anybodies back.
But there are the ones who handle the bus like I would’ve handled the candy store when I was about six years old. Meaning pointing or grunting in the general direction of what I wanted, and depositing about a month’s worth of saved up small (and I mean SMALL) change on the nearest flat surface, open hand or, in one memorable but extreme case, dog.

Now, the last time I did this I was ADORABLE. Six years old, blond, big blue eyes, bee-sting-type mouth.. Anyone would’ve forgiven me anything, except for the dog…he never was friendly to me ever again.
I am still somewhat adorable, but even I would not dare to do the exact same thing now, not in a candy store, and CERTAINLY not in a bus. Because the problem here is that the driver doesn’t have to but in all likelihood WILL help to sort out the mass of metal (so did the kind people at the candy store, as I’m sure they are still doing for innumerable small children all over the world, they really are the unsung heroes of our times, and I would like to extend my deepest gratitude to them).

This also happened this morning, with the cow in human form looking on as though the driver himself made a doody on the little board thingy he used to count out the money, in stead of this person delivering a smack down of lateness in the shape of a small pile of coins. Granted, this results, mostly, in little or no change for them, but an ENORMOUS amount of lost time. Defeats the purpose of evading change, really.

These people must, simply, be put to death. I have thought about this a good deal, and the only thing to do seems to be to declare them outlaws, so that I can go to the front of the bus and kick them until they are a mere spot on the windshield ore a greasy piece of trampled flesh on the bottom of the bus. More and more I am convinced that should ever a police officer stop me and ask me what I am doing to this person, after explaining my position he will not only lend me his nightstick but will actively help goring the skunk-bitch to kingdom come.

Because you know, not a little suspect, or think, but KNOW, that the bus will be late after you’ve pulled this little stunt. People will miss their connection, be late for work, suffer a tiny bit of stress for every second of the day wasted, all in all, you karma will and should be stinking up the place like no tomorrow.
And therefore, for knowingly and willingly putting others through this ordeal, the person perpetrating this should die, or at the very least be made to strip down to their underwear and wait for the next bus. With the Dutch climate this will amount to death most likely as well.
And no, people doing this are not people. They are either to stupid to prove that they are (anything that is stupid enough not to win a match of wits to, say, a rock, should not be allowed to claim they are human) or, when smart, are demons in human shape, put on Earth by a vengeful God with the intent of letting you know that yes, yes indeed, you could’ve stayed in a warm bed for those few minutes longer, because you will not arrive at work earlier for the time you sacrificed this morning to get to the freaking bus on time.

And I SWEAR, thou ugliest cow since God himself turned his face away from your family in disgust, should I ever find your mass of wasted flesh in front of me on high stairs or a subway-station, that I will exert the necessary force to let you meet either the bottom of the stairs real fast or the third and electric wire with slower speed but maximum gloating. Think James Bond Villain Style Gloating. (JBVSG WILL be an accepted acronym soon enough)

Or, perhaps, I’ll just raise my eyebrow in a manner so pithy that you will feel forced to take your own life. You would not be first.