There are, on a rough average and regardless of how often these occasions occur, about three circumstances where it is important to be timelessly, elegantly dressed, styled and behaved. These are those moments that are distinct links in time, and that are irrevocably linked to the absolute, unavoidable passage of time. These circumstances are birth, marriage, and death. And the occasions associated with them baptism, weddings and sepulchral ceremonies.
Obviously being well-dressed for either your baptism AND your funeral is mostly the responsibility of other people, and being well dressed for attending either a baptism or a funeral is ridiculously important as it is two of the absolute best occasions to sniff huffly at badly dressed people and being one of them quite distances you from this pastime. But weddings?
Either as one of the bridal party or a guest, people please.
While at a wedding you are, barring a few hopefully decidedly private moments, constantly surrounded by professional photographers (if you are lucky), amateur photographers (if you are not) or both (if the bride and groom are exceptionally cruel) and more than likely also submerged in a sea of broken whites, clear silvers and glowing ivories, so showing up in a fully denim outfit with your hair shaped and coloured like a cranky dessert is not just a bad choice but a bad choice that will be in photographs that people will still be looking at long after you, yourself, are in fact dead and buried.
So, how to actually BE well dressed for a wedding? You will basically fall into one of four basic categories, to wit : A male guest, a female guest, a male member of the bridal party, and a female member of the bridal party. There are, obviously, subcategories, as being a well-dressed bridesmaid is not the same as being a well-dressed bride, but as a rule of thumb that is your first decision: Am I a guest, or am I one of the bridal party?
As a guest, male or female, you have a few basic questions you need to ask yourself and somebody “in the know” of both the ceremony and the reception or celebration.
1) What colour will the bride be wearing?
2) What colour will the groom be wearing?
3) If applicable, what colour will the accessories of the bride and groom be?
4) What colours will the bridesmaids and groomsmen be wearing or sporting?
5) Which colours will the main decorations be in?
6) Will the ceremony be in a church, town hall or at another location entirely?
From here, it is very simple. You do not wear any of the colours that are the answers to questions 1, 2 and 3. If the answers to questions 4 and 5 differ from the first three, these are also off limits entirely except when explicitly requested by either the bride or her direct representative, in case of a themed wedding.
The answer to question 6 will tell you what mode of dress you should adopt for which part of the day, if the invitation itself does not already spell it out. If nothing is mentioned and you are unsure, only the bridal party will wear morning dress or full formal outfits, as a guest you are best of with simple, semi formal dress. If the ceremony is held in a church, be aware that it is a place of respect and worship, and therefore showing more skin than strictly needed, or in places that can be assumed “unfortunate” will be a source of both shame and gossip for years to come.
As a man:
- Simple formal dress, preferably two pieces, as three-piece is rather more formal than most occasions require. If you are planning to dance and the dances are not formal styles (waltz, quicksteps and slow-foxtrots are formal dances, during a wedding) you can consider a waistcoat or vest as they remain “dressed” even when you take of your jacket, vests or waistcoats should match the suit, but not clearly be part of it. If the dances are formal styles, you really should keep your jacket on, and buttoned, while dancing.
- A tie and pocket-square in matching, but not identical, fabrics that match the “feel” of the evening.
- Shirt can be white, and really should be, or ton-sur-ton on the fabric of the tie, when you know what you are doing and can pull it off.
- Black (and polished!) shoes
- Little or no jewelry. Remember, watches are strictly a day-time accessory. Cufflinks, however, can be metal or jeweled and even a bit “novel”.
Following the list above is not heavily exciting, but you won’t appear foolish, underdressed or like you have just come from work. Which you will appreciate, during the obligatory slideshow at their fifth anniversary.
As a woman:
- Simple sheath-dress, just over the knee, not too décolleté, or a long-ish cocktail dress. Full length is very formal, and should really only be worn by the bride and het mother and mother-in-law.
- No spaghetti-straps, strapless concoctions, or bow-tied halters. You are there for the happy couple, not for happy coupling.
- “Pretty” rather than “stunning” high-heeled shoes, with a bit of sparkle.
- The hair tied up in a simple chignon, or pulled back from the face in anything but a ponytail.
- Bare shoulders, open backs, stunning up-does and incredible necklaces and bracelets are the province of the bride, and just the bride.
- As are strappy shoes, garter-belts, stockings, heavy corsetry, jewels-in-the-hair, cleavage and other direct sexual references between ankle and crown. Sorry.
- A clutch-bag, but smallish and not garish or bejeweled.
- No opera-gloves, large rings, cloaks, manteaus, or other trappings of high drama.
Following the list above will make you look elegant, mature and more than likely incredibly attractive without outshining the bride. Which, let’s face it, is what you are aiming for.
As a member of the bridal party, your life is likely to be a lot easier than any of the guests, as most decisions will be made for you by a rather frantic young woman who is more than willing and able, and probably hunger crazed enough to boot, to simply eat you if you do anything that stands between her and the best day of her life. If you are a man, expect to be told what to wear, where to show up, and who to talk to during. If you are the groom, this counts double, as there will even be somebody telling you what to say during peak moments of today’s performance. Some people consider this sufficient practice for the marriage itself.
If you are a woman and not a bridesmaid, you are either the mother of the bride or groom, in which case matronly elegance is really all that is expected of you. You will likely be heavily involved in the proceedings so should have a pretty good idea of how you can look your best, but some pointers never go awry.
- Your clothing colour should, if you are the mother of the bride, be a darker or dustier version of her colour or accessories. Muted plums and purples for red accessories, darker blues for sapphires, and greens and browns if the bride is in emerald. If you are the mother of the groom, the same goes, but for his accessories. If the whole shindig is done in white, ivory, darker golds and silvers are your thing. Consider that in photographs you will likely be close to your child, and you want to look matching, but not like you copied his or her outfit.
- You are one of the few women who can get away with a floor-length dress apart from your daughter or daughter-in-law-to-be. Go for it, I say.
- Nothing overtly sexual is required, and you should certainly not flash any skin that might be considered inappropriate. Regardless of your charms, today is for somebody else to show of.
- Jewelry can be flashy and even somewhat outrageous, providing they are family pieces or gifts from the happy couple. If you buy new jewelry for the ceremony, keep it understated.
- Shoes should be closed toed, with somewhat of a heel, but steer away from boots or ankle-boots.
If you are a bridesmaid a friendly bride will have selected a dress for you that will make you look elegant and somewhat demure. Do not, ever, alter it without discussion. If the bride has allowed you to pick out your own dress, follow the rules for a standard guest, but in pre-selected colours, and a more upscale formality. As a bridesmaid, you can have a more spectacular hairdo and jewelry than the rest of the guests, but no more than the bride.
If you are male, you are the groom, father of the bride or groom, or a groomsman. You will likely be asked to be somewhat formally dressed, in pre-described colours. Follow what you have been given, but:
- Never dye or change your hair shortly before the wedding
- Do not get into fights or otherwise bruise or scar yourself shortly before the wedding
- Always learn how to work your accessories. No watches after 5 pm, a cummerbund is tied so the creases point upwards, and only Tom Ford should try to get away with a square-folded pocket-square.
- This is one of the few occasions where your accessories will probably exactly match in both colour and fabric. It is a shame. Never do it again and this will be forgiven.
- Black shoes. Always. No contest. If black shoes do not go with the outfit chosen : complain. But wear them still.
- Try to subtly, but decidedly, move the decision makers away form novelty colours and fabrics. Powder blues and shiny fabrics are not what you want to see in ten years time when you have to re-live your wedding. Do not risk your life for this, be subtle. This is real practice for marriage.
As the bride you are likely to be well aware of what you want, and more than able to make your own decision, informed solely by your mother, some close friends, every gay man you have ever met and a billion-dollar-industry of bridal magazines, shows, expositions, soirees, party-planners, flower-people and what not (made up mostly out of every gay man you have ever met).
But, some small comments before you embark on your journey towards the graceful and elegant vision that will stroll down the center isle of the church:
- A wedding dress made up of horizontal stripes will make you look taller, but also invite comments on the wisdom of horizontal stripes.
- The bodice of your dress should not elongate your waistline. If anything is optically lengthened, go for the legs.
- Cap sleeves are better than spaghetti-straps.
- No visible zippers. If you absolutely cannot be sewn into your dress on the day and have to have a visible closing mechanism, a row of small buttons is fetching and classy. If buttons are too persnickety, and they often are, hide the zipper somewhere in the material.
- During this day you will likely have stockings, garters, a garter belt, high heels, a constricting bodice, bare shoulders and arms, open shoes and some cleavage. These items are there to subtly keep in mind what will happen that evening after you have been whisked of by your husband. Anything else that will put the mind to the marital arts is tacky.
- Your dress should not be a copy of a wedding dress from any movie, video clip, book or illustration. With the exception of the dress and veil combination in “How I married an axe-murderer” which I think is too short, but gorgeous.
- A “Novelty” wedding dress is a wedding dress that you will deeply, deeply regret. As are most too short dresses.
- Speaking of copied dresses… A “showgirl skirt” is deeply unacceptable unless you have exceptional legs, and want to hear about them every time you show people the photos. Which means it is acceptable roughly never, regardless of how good your legs are. (You know who you are, Guns and Roses…)
- The standard rule: If it looks good on the model, it might not look good on you, but if it looks bad on the model, it WILL look bad on you” applies here more than anywhere.
- As does: “Just because you can get into it does not mean it fits.”
So far, so rules. Weddings should be elegant, classic affairs that you can look back on in years to come with a tear in your eyes and a smile in your heart. A tacky, novel wedding plan is an invitation to re-new your vows a short time later without all the embarrassment, and possibly with half the church filled with different people. Keep this in mind.
Wedding dresses are a big thing. They are on average ridiculously expensive, you will only wear them once (even if you do get married several times over the course of your lifetime it is very tacky to wear the same dress twice) and to be perfectly honest, given that you are dealing with a slightly biased audience, it is very easy to not really look as good as people tell you you do but you’ll only really find out when you are looking at the photos a little while later. And you’ll probably won’t mind anyways.
